3 Strategies for Managing Employees Craving Validation

Ever find yourself yearning for a nod of approval after a big presentation or meeting? You're not alone. On today's episode, we open up about the complex dance of seeking validation in the workplace. Join us as we unravel this often-unspoken aspect of executive life and provide you with insights on how to balance the pursuit of reassurance with the drive for authentic progress.

Today we offer strategies to enhance your leadership without being hindered by the desire for constant validation. It's a heart-to-heart that will resonate with anyone who's ever felt the pull of approval – from the first-born overachiever to the resilient go-getter. Tune in and reflect on how to refine your approach to executive leadership and professional growth.

In this episode, we discuss the following:
1. The importance of understanding one's behaviors and drivers to allow for more constructive self-reflection.
2. The value of fostering a culture of constructive feedback to contribute to meaningful development.
3. The Impact of recognizing one's strengths and positive contributions, even in the absence of external validation.

This episode is sponsored by LucidPoint
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CONNECT WITH SUSIE:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/susietomenchok/

CONNECT WITH JAMES:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/capps/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:15

Welcome to the Quick Take podcast, the show where you get targeted advice and coaching for executives by executives. I'm Suzy Tominczuk.

Speaker 2: 0:24

And I'm James Capps. Give us 15 minutes and we'll give you three secrets to address the complex topic of issues that are challenging executives like you today.

Speaker 1: 0:35

Hey friend, hey quickster. I have to say quickster, hey quickster, Glad you're here. I'm Suzy, along with my co-host, James. How are you, James?

Speaker 2: 0:42

I'm fantastic. How are you today, Suzy?

Speaker 1: 0:45

I'm amazing. I know that you have a topic for us to talk about, so lay it on me. Yeah, this week.

Speaker 2: 0:52

This week I was chatting with an individual who came by my office and had asked me for some feedback on something on a presentation they had just given, and it was really a casual response. It was hey, how'd I do on that presentation? And it struck me that that person had been in my office once a week for the last three, four, five, six weeks, and every time he comes in it's kind of the same topic, it's kind of the same thing. How did I do? How did I do that? How did I? You know? And I realized that he is somebody who's just constantly seeking approval and looking for that kind of constant reassurance.

Speaker 2: 1:33

And so the next time I saw him, I sat down with him and I said let's talk a little bit about that as a leader, and how you perform and behave, and are there drivers that are ultimately holding you back simply because all you're really looking for is that constant approval? And it was a very emotional discussion and it was kind of heartfelt in the sense that he was aware that he needed that, but wasn't really aware that he was actually actively seeking it. So I thought it'd be worth discussing today about you know how to address the fact that so many of us do constantly need some sort of approval and the ways that we can both address that to ensure that we're successful and feeling like we're doing a good job, but without it undermining our performance and our perceptions.

Speaker 1: 2:23

Yeah, and perception is key there. And also, does he need it from just you? Was it because of your position in the organization or do you think it's general from all over?

Speaker 2: 2:34

Great question. But you know, it's certainly from authority figures in his particular case and I don't know that it is like direct line management exclusively. But we did talk about it being a broader issue for him and he was quick to point out that, yeah, I go down. You know, I go by Rachel's office once a month and I do the same thing. And so interesting epiphany, if nothing else, but the realization, you know it opened a great dialogue.

Speaker 1: 3:03

All right. So the question is he open to like constructive criticism too? Is he only looking for the recognition or the accolades?

Speaker 2: 3:12

You know that was a great question. That is a great question, and that really was something that went through my mind before I went back and chatted with him separately, because, ultimately, I think that I have seen more junior people who are simply asking for the how'd you do? You know, when you get off stage or after you give a presentation, it's that knee jerk hey, how'd I do you did great. End of discussion. Good, that's not really looking for growth, that's just looking for a little bit of a pat on the butt. And so I had to think through is he the kind of leader who is looking for growth? And in his case, yeah, I think that he is somebody who is truly trying to be better but perhaps doesn't have the mechanism to effectively grow in this space.

Speaker 1: 3:59

Awesome, all right, so tell us, what advice would you give to others who need this? I think maybe.

Speaker 2: 4:06

Another caveat, though, is I think, that we all, as leaders, tend to be successful because we do seek that approval, and type A's first borns people who succeed because of their traumas, whatever it ends up being. We are hungry for that, and I think the first piece of advice I'll give is that, you know, put a name to that, acknowledge the fact that a lot of your drivers are intended to get that type of positive feedback, and when you can put a name to that, when you can acknowledge it and accept the fact that you do certain things that may be simply intended to get that kind of feedback, you can be more constructive about it, and I think that so often, recognizing that you have a problem, if you will, is the first step in dealing with it, but I think, in this case, recognizing that some of your behaviors have a very specific intended consequence, whether it's conscious or subconsciously, allows you to leverage that or take advantage of it, or at least address it in a much more constructive way.

Speaker 1: 5:08

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, because you're right. That's the first idea to figure out what you will need down the road and how much you need. All right, so what's number two?

Speaker 2: 5:20

Well, and I think the second one is is create an ecosystem in which you can generally get constructive feedback. We've done a couple of episodes on constructive feedback and the ways that you can go about doing that. But you know it's back to that example of that. You know, after you've done that high school presentation and you get off the stage and somebody says good job, that's feedback, right? Is it constructive feedback? No, and I think you know when you truly ask for constructive feedback, you engage with people, ask pointed questions that can give you that sense of approval, that can feed that need that you have. But it also is a much more powerful way for you to grow as a leader and engage your peers. So you're really doing double duty on something that is super important as a leader.

Speaker 1: 6:10

Yeah, I love it. Such good advice and very timely too this time of year. So, what's the third?

Speaker 2: 6:17

No, I think the third one is really you need to build the internal means to give yourself the accolades right. You have to become your own best advocate. You know this is the core of the phrase. You know it's lonely at the top and that we each have to behave in a certain way that ultimately we know that what we did was good and that we can give ourselves that approval.

Speaker 2: 6:46

Now it is easy to live in a bubble and to gaslight yourself and think that you're doing a great job, but at the end of the day we have to accept the fact that we, if we are somebody who needs approval, we're going to have to get that from lots of different places, and sometimes it has to come from inside. And as leaders, you may not get the straight feedback, you may not get the approval or the accolade or the recognition that you deserve. But you have to give that to yourself and realize that you know nine times out of 10, you are your own worst critic, and giving yourself the agency to acknowledge the work that you did, I think goes a long way.

Speaker 1: 7:31

Yeah, and one kind of way to do that when you were talking that I thought of is if you can write down some of the things that people say about you. You know your strengths, because sometimes people have a more positive view of yourself. Because we're hard, can be hard on ourselves. Go back to those things and reread them, instead of looking to ask people to pull these in. And start to understand what those strengths are that you have, because you're taking the voice of somebody else, you're trying to incorporate that or you're saying, okay, this is truth about me, and then get yourself to really believe that.

Speaker 2: 8:06

I love that. I think that's such great advice because, as humans, we tend to remember either the bad, really bad, or the really good, and I think we're wired to think and remember only good. But as leaders and when we're self-reflecting, we only remember the bad. And so you know long, remember that meeting that you had, you know broccoli on your teeth, but you won't remember the 14 great things that came out of that meeting, and so we tend to be critical of ourselves, and so, as we are finding ways to give ourselves the credit you know, having stuff written down and reminding yourself of the positive things that you bring to the table, I think that's just good advice.

Speaker 1: 8:44

Yeah, okay, that was good.

Speaker 2: 8:46

So go bring it back to us, give us the theory, yeah, I think that you know, in a world in which we are all challenged to work with people that constantly seek you know that recognition or we seek our own constant sort of approval you know the three ways. First, develop the self-awareness that is something that you need. Realize that you may behave in a way that seeks that out. Secondly, find ways to constructively create patterns and behaviors with your team so you are getting that feedback. Create an ecosystem of constructive feedback and you'll find that you get that feedback better. And then, third, really learn to give yourself the positive feedback. You know. Patent yourself on the back is not a horrible thing, especially as an executive where you're not going to have a lot of people around you who may recognize you for the hard and plumbing level work that you end up doing. If you're dealing with the unsexy parts of the business, give yourself agency to recognize that on your own.

Speaker 1: 9:47

This was great. I'm so glad that he came down the hall and asked those questions so that you could give this wisdom to us. Thank you, James.

Speaker 2: 9:54

That was a great topic. All right, suzy. I've been wondering do you believe in?

Speaker 1: 10:01

UFOs oh, that's I actually do. I actually do, yeah, I, but you know I'm not to. This might be something that I shouldn't say publicly about Santa and those kind of things, but I was one of those people that believed a very long time. I have a imagination, so I believe in UFOs just because I just think anything's possible. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Quick Take, where we talk about the questions that are on the mind of executives everywhere. Connect with us and share what's on your mind.

Speaker 2: 10:42

You can find us on LinkedIn, YouTube or whatever nerdy place on the internet. You find your podcasts. Our links to the show are in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 10:50

We appreciate you.